By Michael
Hawton
Jane Curry
Publishing, Edgecliff, NSW, 2013
Talk less listen more is something you might have been
told at school or perhaps you have heard something along those lines being said
to children. This book is refreshing in its approach to solving children’s
behaviour difficulties. In the heat of the moment, when the volume gets turned up
readers will learn about why it is important to teach children to manage their
emotions and strategies to help. By talking less and listening more Michael
Hawton brings his experience as a psychologist and teacher of children and
families for over 25 years to use. This book is aimed at families and can also be
used by health professionals as they help people learn.
Amidst a
myriad of parenting approaches, Hawton describes how parents of children today
are confused. How should behaviour problems be dealt with? Trends have led
parents towards talking through problems, praising with rewards and yet there
are some limitations to “positive parenting”, from the “outside in”. Michael
Hawton adds clarity and a set of tools to work with in helping children gain
self- control, “inside out” parenting. He does not take readers back to days
where children are to be seen but not heard. Parents and carers, by talking
less when limiting unwanted behaviour and promoting desirable behaviours in a
thoughtful manner, are going to be happier and enjoy their children more.
Adults can follow a process learning about choice and how to react leading to
better and easier parenting.
The book is
divided into five parts. In part one: trends, principles and mistakes, find out
about children’s development and behaviour, what it means for children to
experience emotional overload and sorting behaviour to respond more flexibly.
Part two focuses on change and looks at systems and patterns in families. Part
three, managing difficult behaviour – quietly develops the title of the book. Find,
a quick overview of the three choices for managing difficult behaviour –
quietly, ignoring behaviour and managing yourself, signalling – a quiet way to
stop children misbehaving and emotion coaching to teach self-regulation. Part
four, promoting the behaviour you want looks at resolving poor attitudes and
behaviour in older children, building bonds, teaching skills and encouraging
competency. Part five extra resources including test your know-how, children
and technology, resources and further reading.
Talk less, listen more is very readable for busy families. There
are great ideas to help parents/carers direct their energy and establish good
patterns of communication, rather than repeating the same reactions that don’t
work. Michael Hawton draws on the “latest findings” in neuroscience. He writes both
clearly and in an Australian context. Examples drawn from the “Blooms” family, show
the parents as they sort through difficult child behaviours and family
situations. Illustrations, diagrams and brief models break up the book and
provide insight and a bit of fun. The before and after examples with the Blooms
family help explore better approaches with greater understanding
Find out
about “ABNs”, “RTA” and “PASTA” these abbreviations are used as memory prompts.
“ABNs” refer to annoying but not serious behaviour. Families can use worksheets
to develop a framework and think about behaviour which is important to focus on,
the “big rocks”, as well as which behaviours can be ignored. Be encouraged
because not all problems need to be resolved. Accompanying worksheets through
the book are there to be photocopied and used. Each chapter concludes with “in
essence”, a helpful overview.
Teaching
children how to cope in an emergency, sort out their feelings and self-soothe
is talked about in chapter 9. “Emotion-coaching” can “teach children a language
they would not otherwise learn". Eventually children learn how to use a
“feeling language” to describe their emotions. The conversation between Charlie
(dad) and Jessica (five-year-old daughter) about her scary nightmare involved
talking about how she felt. Dad emotion-coached using reflective listening and
made comments (rather than asking questions).
Michael
Hawton doesn’t presume to write about all areas of parenting, instead he aims
to look at a model for difficult behaviour, drawing on non-violent ways to help
children be in control and deal with anxieties that arise in life. Children who
are facing hospitalisation or repeated hospitalisation may experience fear
about medical procedures, pain, separation anxiety and other intense feelings.
Health professionals such as Hospital play therapists/Child life workers are
there to help both children and families with their emotions. Parents who take
on board reflective listening and children who are able to use a feeling
language may find they have tools to help them through their hospital journey
and improve their wellbeing. Final points made by the author pinpoint the objective
of parents to model self-control and help children develop self-regulation for
better overall health for families.
Talk less, listen more is worth reading cover to cover
because the information builds and by dipping you miss out. As I read the final
chapter on children and technology, I thought about my 12 year old’s
experiences and those of her friends and their families and the role of parents
as protectors. It may be a daunting task. Talk
less, listen more can help parents to stay on track with how they want to
react when facing difficulties. For instance, children may hop from one screen
to another and if they can be encouraged by parents to self-regulate and manage
their behaviour with limits, they will be happier and there will be greater
harmony in family life. I’m really glad to have read this book, building
knowledge both about children and better parenting. It is a great bounce-off
point for thinking about children as they head into adolescence.
There is also
an online parenting course The Talk Less
Listen More (TLLM) e-course, which has been road-tested on 1000s of
professionals and parents. To find out more about the author and access
resources, visit his Blog or Facebook page: michealhawton.com
This book is
available for loan from the AWCH library.
Jillian
Rattray
AWCH Librarian
June 2014
“Maisy felt strange
to be away from home and missed her friends”
